Love People, Use Things

What’s on Megan’s Mind?

For a while, I got into the podcasting duo Joshua Fields Millburn and Ryan Nicodemus, who cohost The Minimalists podcast and who released a compelling documentary called Minimalism in 2019. They’re not Christians, and you should probably listen to their material sparingly, with your discernment dialed up. I can’t say I took a lot of their advice to heart (I have not, for example, ever packed all of my belongings as though I were moving, just to see which small group of objects I unpacked to use so I could donate everything else). One thing that did stick with me from their podcast though has been their ending tagline, “Love people, and use things, because the opposite never works.” 

As I’ve dug into Apostolic dating and worldly dating culture, one thing I’ve realized is that the Church has unwittingly adopted the fallen tendency to use relationships, and the people in them, for selfish purposes. We sometimes do this with malicious intent, but I think it’s more common for us to fall into this pattern unknowingly, because we don’t understand the root of our desires and how we’re using love and dating to try to meet them. 

Humans need relationships. There’s an entire body of work in the Attachment Theory space devoted to understanding how behaviors are formed from infancy due to the type and health of relationships available to that child as they grow. In the absence of healthy relationships, humans develop coping mechanisms to meet the needs that we’re hardwired to rely on– children with unhealthy attachments to caregivers may develop behavioral tendencies that ensure they’ll receive attention (even negative attention) from the adults around them. People who felt continually undermined or devalued in their families may seek out that validation in performance at work, or via sensuality, social media addiction, or other less-than-healthy behaviors. Sometimes habits that we would usually label as “good” or “healthy” can become unhealthy coping mechanisms because of the level of priority they attain in our lives. Healthy eating and exercise is a positive thing, but someone who is so fixated on it that they can’t go a day without multiple workouts and tracking every calorie may have an eating disorder. Human beings will use what was intended for positive growth as a weapon of self-harm, if they feel like it provides them with something they’re missing. 

God designed marriage, and it was designed for good. Marriage was intended for companionship, for the cultivation of families, homes, and lineages, and to be a tool of edification. However, I don’t believe we can hang our hats on any scriptures that say that marriage is for validation, for affirming our self-worth, or for grounding us spiritually. Validation, self-worth, and spiritual connection originate in our relationship with the Lord, and as a married woman, the responsibility for building those things in my life rests squarely with me, not with my husband. 

Here are some examples of how Apostolics can misuse relationships for a purpose that they were not designed to provide:

• We can use marital sexuality as a band-aid for sexual addiction or deeper trauma, thinking that being married and having a dedicated sexual partner will end our addictions to romance, pornography, or promiscuity. Spoiler: it will not. 

• We can use dating relationships as a way to shore up our self-esteem by seeking out relationships that we feel increase our status or provide us with a steady stream of admiration. The flirtier, the better. This can manifest in behaviors like juggling many dating relationships at the same time, or keeping relationships focused on the shallow side of the connection (for example, having just conversations about how attractive the other person is instead of having challenging conversations about the future). 

• We can use interest from the opposite sex as a way to elevate our sense of self worth. This doesn’t have to manifest just in dating behaviors; this could also come in the form of posting provocative things on social media to generate attention, or in using dating apps just to see how many people will ‘swipe right.’ 

• We can use starting a new relationship to try to heal pain caused by trauma or grief in a past relationship. This can look like a ‘rebound,’ but it doesn’t have to happen immediately after the last relationships ends to still come from an unhealthy place. 

I’m writing all of this to encourage all of you to love people, and use things–not the other way around. Take some time to consider the root of why you’re eager to be in a relationship. I’m sure for the vast majority of readers, those motivations are grounded in a holy desire for Godly partnership. However, if you’ve found yourself in a string of unhealthy relationships in your past, you should consider whether or not the common denominator has to do with something that you’re attempting to use your dating partners for. 

Ultimately, the people of God are not tools to be used and discarded. That relational model is inherently fallen, and we should reject it, as we strive to reject all fallen behaviors and be like Christ. Our relationships are designed to sharpen and strengthen one another.  We’re called, before we’re ever called to be married, to honor God and to love each other. 

Love people, use things. 

Believe me, the opposite never works.

Sincerely, and with love,

–Megan

Resources

I’m not an expert on Attachment Theory, but Eli Harwood (aka attachmentnerd on Instagram) is! She has a podcast, some great books, and a lot of free content on social media to explain attachment in an approachable, non-judgmental way that demystifies it for the rest of us. I recommend following her!

Announcements

We are in the thick of preparing for our grand pipeline re-opening for ladies, which begins this coming Saturday, August 1st! I’ll be sending out a notification to everyone who has joined the waiting list, so please don’t forget to do that if you haven’t already. I’ll also be cancelling all existing subscriptions this week– if you don’t know why, go read last week’s newsletter!

Check your emails. If you are an existing Synchrony client (currently subscribed or paused) you should look for an email from us with the subject line “We’re canceling all subscriptions.” There is an important link for you to update there so we can keep our records up-to-date!

New arrival: I want to wish warm congratulations to Jaken and Victoria Orten, who welcomed Ephraim Judah Orten on 7/28! We’re so excited for this beautiful Synchrony family and are praying for God’s blessings over their sweet baby boy. 

Pipeline Profile

By the numbers:

• Available women: 150

• Available men: 35

• Matches in progress: 3 (6 people total)

You can probably tell by these numbers that I haven’t done much matching this week– a lot of prep time has been going into getting ready for the pipeline to re-open on Saturday. Don’t worry folks, I’m rolling my sleeves back up to get some matches made, pronto!

Hey Single Friend, 

Welcome to Love Notes! I’m so excited that you’re here. If you’re new: Love Notes are weekly updates from Megan, designed to give you a boost of encouragement and keep you looped in on all of the happenings at The Synchrony Project. These are always written straight from my heart, never with AI.