How to Create "Chemistry"

What’s on Megan’s Mind?

Sometimes people ask me if I know that a couple I’ve matched will be a good fit for the long-term just from what I see in their first meeting. No, I’m not a psychic– there are way too many contingencies to be worked out in a relationship to know from the start that it’s going to be the right fit. That said, there are some telltale signs that I’ve started to notice crop up frequently with matched couples who move on to a dating relationship, and even though not every couple that dates for a while end up getting married, I think these are things that say that the potential is there. 

We talk about the idea of “chemistry” being mischaracterized frequently in our dating culture. It’s not a magical formula or a pheromonal response to an attractive person in your vicinity; we believe that chemistry is the result of:

• Feeling seen for who you authentically are

• Feeling safe to be yourself

• Feeling mutually curious about each other

With that in mind, I don’t think that the couples who match after their first date do so because they just magically “click;” I think they do that because they are building healthy chemistry through their conversations. How can I tell that they’re feeling seen, safe, and curious about each other in just the 10-15 minutes  that I spend with them, during their Synchrony introductory call? Here are the things I often observe:

• They smile with their eyes– there’s a big difference between someone who is smiling out of obligation (because they know they’re supposed to smile at their date) and someone who smiles out of genuine enjoyment from the conversation. Interestingly, natural smiles often show more teeth–this is a bit backwards from the rest of the natural world, where teeth-baring is a sign of aggression. For our purposes, a spontaneous grin is usually a sign that things are going well. 

• They laugh at each other’s jokes–I don’t mean that anybody is doing a comedy routine on the call; I just mean that if someone says something that is intended to be funny, the other person giggles appreciatively. If I hear laughter when I get back to the call (I return for 5 minutes at the end, after giving the couple about 45 mins of private conversation) I know that they’re likely to match afterward. 

• They ask follow-up questions–We do a small icebreaker activity at the beginning of each date, in which each person shares a few objects that I ask them to bring to the call. I can tell that chemistry is building when one person gets interested in something the other person brings or says during their sharing time. This helps the other person “feel seen,” but also indicates that their match is curious about them. 

• They get vulnerable– Sometimes I can observe this during the sharing activity; at other times I see it during the last call for questions that I give right before we end the call. This looks like one member of the pair offering something about how they’re feeling, like, “I’m so nervous, but I’m excited to meet you!” or by discussing something really significant to them, emotionally– like an object that reminds them of a lost loved one. 

All of these small actions are signals that tell the other person, “I feel safe with you, and I can be myself.” Humans base a lot of our social interactions on mirroring– we pick up on the things that our conversation partners do and use that as the basis for our own feelings and actions. This helps us ascertain the mood of the people around us and gives us a “read of the room” that we’re in. In a dating scenario, seeing our conversation partners relaxed enough to be vulnerable and warm tells us, “They like me enough to be relaxed around me,” which in turn relaxes us and makes us feel that we can be ourselves. This is chemistry: a reciprocal cycle of feeling comfortable, exposing a small piece of our personality, and feeling gratified and attractive when the other person finds that part of us to be interesting to them. 

Here’s the thing: sometimes this natural rhythm of chemistry-building can be interrupted by things that have nothing to do with the potential chemistry that two people could generate together. Things like a bad camera angle, poor  internet connectivity, or poor lighting can prevent your match from seeing your facial expressions and can stymie the feelings of mutual interest from forming. Similarly, some people present with a “blank affect” when they’re nervous, or have a hard time smiling or laughing with their whole face when they’re unsure of themselves. If any of these things describe you, I’d encourage getting some practice by building chemistry in non-romantic settings. Serving in outreach or public service (think: volunteering at a community kitchen, visiting seniors in a nursing home, tutoring college students) can all help provide opportunities to build chemistry without the pressure of generating it with someone who you’re supposed to be romantically interested in. 

I hope that tip is useful to you, and I also hope that the next time you’re in a conversation with someone of the opposite gender, you can keep an eye out for these subtle signals as well. They don’t definitively mean that the other person is interested in a dating relationship, but they’re a good sign that they find you to be interesting, and that’s a great place to start out any connection.

Sincerely, and with love, 

–Megan

Other Business

In lieu of resources, announcements, and pipeline updates, this is just a note to say that Steven and I are currently away with the kids on a trip to be with family. I’m not responding to many emails this week, but I’ll be back soon! Thanks to everyone who tolerated my consultation rescheduling and general havoc last week. 

Hey Single Friend, 

Welcome to Love Notes! I’m so excited that you’re here. If you’re new: Love Notes are weekly updates from Megan, designed to give you a boost of encouragement and keep you looped in on all of the happenings at The Synchrony Project. These are always written straight from my heart, never with AI.