Cups and Spoons

What’s on Megan’s Mind?

I don’t have much energy. You probably don’t either. Chances are, some of you are reading this while also quickly shoveling a reheated meal into your mouth because you’re in between work and choir practice or a bible study or another job or babysitting or taking kids to a babysitter or just trying to take a shower and get some sleep before you have to wake up and do it all over. If your day feels like an endless list of to-do items that never get to “done,” then we’re on the same team. 

I don’t think this is rare for people in their 30’s. In fact, I’m pretty sure exhaustion is the norm for all of us in the throes of…whatever this mess is. If you’re not in your 30’s, you’re probably not exempt from the general feelings of exhaustion and overwhelm that seem to come from just having to manage adult life in our country today. Gas prices are high, job availability is low, the bottle of ibuprofen is also low, and somebody is definitely sneaking into my pantry and stealing the coffee a few tablespoons at a time. The nerve!

I’ve heard people say that single people can’t understand the rush of family life, because they aren’t married and don’t have families to deal with, so they have all the time in the world on their hands. That’s ridiculous. Besides the fact that plenty of single people are parents who are managing an entire family’s existence on their own, child-free singles are some of the busiest people I know. Let’s just take a quick tally of the number of ministries in my church that are mostly run by single people:

• Our ASL interpretation ministry

• Our media team

• Our shuttle ministry

• Our bookstore

• Our foreign missions department

• We also have a high concentration of Single adults involved in our music ministry, outreach, recovery, Sunday school, nursery, ushers, greeters, hospitality, Seniors, Hyphen, campus outreach, non-campus outreach, and church maintenance teams. 

If single people were to suddenly all go on vacation for a Sunday, our church would a) feel incredibly empty and b) likely grind to a halt. These folks are doing a lot, so much so that many of us in the congregation don’t even realize how smoothly everything is moving because they are working, often behind the scenes. Beyond church work, a lot of single people I know are also working multiple secular jobs. Times are tough, so why not DoorDash or drive for Lyft? Others are pursuing degrees or ministerial licenses. The idea that Single life is quiet and empty is ludicrous, based on the lives I hear about from the clients we work with. I’m sure there are Apostolic singles in some corner of the world who aren’t extremely busy, but I haven’t met them yet. 

I have to ask: where is your energy coming from? As a working parent and spouse with a ministry that has very odd hours (shoutout to my 10pm ET consultation block, you guys are the best), I’m often finding myself completely drained by mid-day, a shell of a human at night. Here’s the thing though: someone washes my spoons. 

You may have heard of “spoon theory” bouncing around in the mental health space. It’s a metaphor that blogger Christine Miserandino developed years ago to describe how energy expenditure works when managing a chronic illness, but it’s been adapted for the general public as a way to think about your daily energy allotment and where it goes. The idea is that we all wake up with a quota of spoons, and every task we accomplish costs a spoon, no matter the size or difficulty of the task. When you’ve run out of spoons, there are no more (duh); you are without spoons until the wash cycle completes and you have them available to you again. 

Most of us battling through the landmines of modern living go through spoons like toddlers at an ice cream sundae bar. Adult life can be pretty exhausting. As a married mom, it’s true that my kids and my husband sometimes eat up a few of my spoons. However, because I am not single, I have someone in my home who devotes some time and energy to helping me replenish them. I know not every marriage is like this, and some of you reading this have lived in partnerships where nobody went the extra mile to replenish your energy resources. I’m so sorry for that; you all deserve to have someone who looks out for your best interests. Steven and I don’t have a perfect relationship, and I don’t want to give off the impression that I think he’s without flaws. I do think though that I would be hard-pressed to survive in day-to-day adult life without him helping me. Neither of us has an abundance of available energy resources, but thankfully one or the other of us usually has a few more spoons than the other person, on any given day. When that happens, we try to devote at least one of them to washing a few of the other spouse’s spoons.

• I rarely leave the house, so Steven picks up our groceries and my prescriptions from the pharmacy. 

• Steven hates dealing with sinks full of dirty dishes, so when we do a big meal I try to wash at least one load of them myself. 

• I enjoy cooking, so I try to keep our fridge stocked with reheatable staples. 

• Steven keeps our cars maintained and vacuumed and smelling nice (to the extent that you can when you have two kids who love to lose chicken nuggets between the seats)

• On his very hard nights, I get the kids bathed and in bed while he relaxes. On my very hard nights, he lets me lock myself in the bathroom for a very long shower and puts the kids down himself. 

I can’t say that all of the domestic labor is divided equally– Steven does the bulk of it, while I earn the bulk of the income. This means that on the days when my job has been its most demanding, I can come home and often find that he’s made space in his day to find me one or two extra spoons. 

If the saying is true that, “You can’t pour from an empty cup,” it begs the question “Who is filling your cup, Single Friend?” I hope you have amazing church family, blood family, friends, coworkers, pets, siblings, and random internet people writing newsletters expressly for the purpose of filling your cup or washing your spoons or otherwise supporting your metaphorical kitchen utensils. I hope that you are finding small ways every day to reward yourself for your labors and your intentionality. When money is scarce, I pray that the Lord blesses you with unexpected checks and gifts. When energy is scarce,  I pray that someone makes you a lasagna or secretly pays for a massage or gets your oil changed for you. For single parents: I pray that kind, safe, honorable church family members become mentors for your kids and spend extra time with them. I pray that you get a night off every once in a while. I pray that you get time to experiment with your hobbies. I pray that your cup runs over.

I wish I could snap my fingers and deliver someone amazing to each and every one of you reading this so you could immediately have a partner to share life with, who could help manage some of the noise and burden of your day-to-day, and vice-versa. I can't snap my fingers and make that happen, I'm afraid. This matchmaking venture is nothing if not time-intensive. In the meantime, I don’t have great tips for energy management or reclaiming your spark or guarding your time; I have never been good at any of those things. All I can offer today is the acknowledgement that, if you are as busy and spread thin as I expect you might be, I see you. 

Single life isn’t an empty life; sometimes it’s overabundantly full of responsibilities. You have a right to say “no,” and retire from the committees or the volunteer rosters for a season to catch your breath, if needed. Keep the responsibilities that make you feel most like yourself, and gift someone else  the chance to own the others. I know that’s easier said than done, but I’m begging you– from one burned-out adult to another– take care of your spoons. One day, I believe that you’ll have someone to help you wash them when you get low. Until then, you deserve to keep a couple for yourself.

Okay? Okay. Me, too. 

Sincerely, and with love,

–Megan

Resources

I’m fresh out of resources, ya’ll. Read your Bible. Make yourself a fancy coffee or a nice tea. Put on your best comfy socks and a hoodie. Be blessed. 

Announcements

Matching has begun again, in earnest!

If you’ve been reading my newsletters over the past few weeks, you’ve heard me say that I haven’t been getting to much matching. I’ll be honest, it’s been eating me alive. All of these amazing potential weddings, sitting in my backlog! UGH!

Unfortunately, my Day Job (aka what pays for the spoons) has ratcheted my bandwidth down to zero and my stress levels up to 11. We’re in our annual busy season, which will roll until about January. However, miraculously, I had enough foresight to accidentally block most of my evenings off in November to make room for matching and dates. Apologies to any gentlemen who tried to book consultations this month. I’ll catch up with you closer to the holidays, and in the meantime, I’m going to try to get all of my matches made by Christmas. 

Pipeline Profile

By the numbers:

• Available Men: 47

• Available Women: 211

• Matches in Progress: 11 (22 people total)

Despite my promise above that I’ve been matching a whole bunch, you’re likely not seeing a whole bunch of change in the number of matches in progress. By way of explanation:

• I did manage to match a few people during the past few months and host dates; some are now exclusive! Others, not so much. But new matches have been created where those used to be in the “in progress” segment of the pipeline. 

• Also, I had a handful of matches sitting my “Match Selected” status, waiting for me to send out emails about potential matches and meeting polls for date scheduling. Those communications are going out nowish. 

Hey Single Friend, 

Welcome to Love Notes! I’m so excited that you’re here. If you’re new: Love Notes are weekly updates from Megan, designed to give you a boost of encouragement and keep you looped in on all of the happenings at The Synchrony Project. These are always written straight from my heart, never with AI.