Train Up a Child

What’s on Megan’s Mind?

My oldest child turned 7 this week, and I had the heart-sinking realization that she is closer to being a teenager than she is to being an infant. This should be unsurprising because she already has a well-developed sense of sarcasm and a well-trained eye roll. Nevertheless, the sudden awareness of her quickly-passing childhood sobered me.

Her budding teenagerisms have made me realize how close we are to the time when we’ll need to start talking to her about dating, more than we already are. We regularly talk with her about marriage, relationships, and choosing a partner in an age-appropriate way that hopefully won’t traumatize her too badly (she is the first child though, and that’s always an experiment). Here are some of the things we started to do as soon as we could be sure she would understand the concepts, in the hopes that they would protect her against unhealthy dating influences in the future:

• We taught her the correct anatomical names for her body parts (genitals included) as well as the corresponding male body parts. 

• We taught her which parts of her body were private, and explained that nobody was allowed to look at or touch those parts without her saying it was ok. We also taught her that she is not allowed to show other people those parts unless they say it was ok (you’d be surprised how often that conversation came up when she was a toddler). 

• We taught her who her “safe grown-ups” were. These are the adults who can help her with dressing and cleaning and, when needed, are allowed to see or touch private areas in order to help keep her clean and safe. This is a very, very small list that includes only her parents, her doctor, and a tiny list of close family members (her grandmas, mostly) who are approved caregivers. 

• We taught her that not every grown-up is safe. If a grown-up who is not one of her safe grown-ups asks to see a private part of her body, we taught her to loudly say “No!” and leave to find a safe grown-up.

• We taught her that because our family wants to be best friends with Jesus, we want our family to look like the families Jesus made in the Bible. Families that God made in the Bible had a daddy and a mommy who kept their children healthy and safe and taught them to love the Lord and obey His word. We taught her that not everyone has been introduced to Jesus yet. That means sometimes families could look a little different than ours, but those people still need to hear about how awesome Jesus is, and it’s our job to introduce him to new friends as often as we can.

• When she was six, we taught her about sex. This may shock some people, but I think in reality it was risky for us to wait even that long to talk about it. We explained to her how babies are made and that God made sex so that people could have children and so that husbands and wives could show each other how much they loved each other. We explained that because humans who aren’t friends with Jesus live in sin without knowing it, that there are people in the world who misuse sex and make it something that God didn’t intend for it to be. 

• We taught her about unsafe pictures and unsafe questions–this was the main reason that we needed her to know about sex early, because we know that most children are exposed to internet pornography by a family member or another child before age 10. We taught her that some people who misuse the gift of sex that God gave us will ask people to take unsafe pictures so they can look at them, and that she should never allow someone to take a picture of her unclothed body. We told her that we would do our best to protect her from unsafe pictures, but if she saw one, or if one was taken of her, the best thing to do is to tell us so we can help her. She might be curious about the pictures, and that’s ok! But she needs to come to us immediately so we can keep her safe. 

• More than anything, we’ve taught her that she and other people have a right to say no. If someone does something to her body that she doesn’t like, she can say “stop,” and they have to stop. The same concept works in reverse– if she does something to another child and they say “stop,” she has to stop whatever it is she is doing. She has had a lot of opportunities to practice this, as her younger brother is very ticklish. 

You might be asking yourself how any of this is preparation for healthy dating. This may read more as abuse prevention, and you’re right– it is. I believe strongly that the best thing I can teach my daughter is that she is in control of her body, and that nobody can make her see or do anything that she doesn’t agree to. Nobody– not even grown-ups– have a right to use her body in a way that makes her feel unsafe, even in just a picture. If I can instill in my daughter a sense of safety and autonomy, and if she trusts that her father and I are always safe to talk to, my hope is that she will come to us with concerns and questions before she becomes vulnerable to predatory people living in a fallen world. It should go without saying that as part of this, we heavily restrict access to internet-capable devices and never leave her alone with a child or adult who we don’t know or are not able to actively monitor. 

The idea of romance that the World perpetuates carries with it an undercurrent of violence. Large-bodied, hypermasculine men, overcome with desire that they can’t control, act out their feelings in mostly sudden, non-verbal gestures of physical attraction and force. We’ve trained women to expect it, and even seek it out. I do not intend for my daughter to mistake acts of power for acts of love.

There are other things that are very common in our culture that we also try to minimize or avoid in order to set her up for success in her relationships. This is a short list, and some of it may be controversial– use your best judgment when making these calls for your kids. 

• We limit exposure to movies, books, and kid’s TV shows with romantic plotlines. While she’s seen some Disney movies, we try to stay away from the ones that are just about handsome princes sweeping princesses off their feet. 

• We avoid sexualizing childhood friendships. I use that word intentionally, because a lot of what older generations would categorize as just sweet talk is actually priming our kids to believe that the only value in their co-ed relationships is sexual. My daughter has several very close male friends (the children of some of our adult friends, who we called her ‘practice brothers’ for the years before her brother was born), and we want her to feel free to spend time with them. We never describe those boys as her “boyfriends,” make fun of her relationships with them, encourage them to hug, kiss, or hold hands for photo opportunities (even as toddlers), or talk about them ‘liking’ each other in an inappropriate way. These are friendships between children. They are not sexual or romantic relationships, and they should be treated as opportunities to build rich social connections and nothing more. Listen– I’m not above a joke in a text message thread between me, my husband, and the parents of those boys about setting up an arranged marriage; I am a matchmaker, for crying out loud! Between ourselves, we joke that if they ever get married, we’ll have great pictures for the wedding slideshow. However, those jokes stay between adults– I’d never make those thoughts evident to my daughter; she deserves to have friendships free of pressure, and I’d never want her to feel compelled to start a relationship with a childhood friend based on the myths perpetuated by her parents. 

• We avoid telling her that modesty is about protecting men. In our family, we dress modestly because we are trying to be friends with Jesus, and he likes it when we dress that way. If she puts on an outfit that is unintentionally revealing, we tell her that it isn’t appropriate, but we do not use demeaning or sexualizing vocabulary to describe the outfit (ex: that looks trashy/that looks cheap/that looks dirty). 

• We don’t get ‘grossed out’ by relationship talk. I think some parents respond to their children’s curiosities about dating and relationships with mock disgust. “Ewwww, you have a crush on a BOY?? They have cooties!” Or a father will joke that “You’re not allowed to date until you’re married.” We reject negativity around dating wholeheartedly. We want our kids to understand that dating is healthy and expected, in the proper context. When our daughter mentions children at school that call each other boyfriends/girlfriends, we say things like “Huh, I wonder why they’re doing that now, since they can’t get married yet? What do you think about it?” We invite curiosity as much as possible. 

The last thing we try to do intentionally, which is going to be a challenge for the single parents reading this, is to model healthy relationships in our home. When I work with single moms and dads in Synchrony consultations, we often spend most of our time talking about their hopes for the relationship their children will have with their future spouse. We do this because the model of love that our children see in their home will be the love they believe that they deserve in their adult lives. I am blessed beyond words to parent with Steven, who is the most beautiful balance of silly, firm, and tender with our kids and with me. Our daughter sees us respectfully disagree, apologize to each other, complement each other, and yes–make out in the kitchen a little bit. If she’s going to learn what love and affection looks like from someone, I pray that she learns it from us and not from a movie or a book or (heaven forbid) an AI chatbot. 

I pray that when my little girl is not so little, she will have the discernment to identify real love in the noise of romance and situationships and posturing. I pray that she enters her teenage years and young adulthood with confidence in who she is and a toolkit to help her navigate choosing a spouse. I pray that the Lord will help us to love and support her, and her little brother, in each phase of that choosing. 

My goal in writing all of this is not to shame single parents who are raising kids alone and whose past relationships may not have been a great example of marital love. I hope to encourage you that no matter what stage your kids are in, there is an opportunity to begin talking to them about how to tell real love from fake love. If your past experiences were negative, lay that bare to them– they can handle it. Let them know that you want more for them, and will help them get there. 

If you’re reading this as a single adult whose childhood included the list of things we’re trying to shield our daughter from–I’m sorry. I grieve with you for the lost years and the difficulties caused by that false indoctrination. You deserved more! I believe that God is not done with that story, for you or for the kids who came after you. You can be a voice for the next generation of children, to help them make the choices we did not have the tools to make when we were young. 

Thank you all for listening to the mad rants of my Mama Bear heart. My daughter inspires me every day to lean harder into this work, because she deserves to have choices and to make them well.

You deserve that, too. 

Sincerely, and with love,

–Megan

Resources

It’s been a while since I shouted out Dr. John Gottman and his wife Dr. Julie Schwarz Gottman. They are researchers who have studied relationships and healthy marriage for decades, and have one of the deepest libraries of data about the patterns that build great relationships and marriages and the patterns that destroy them. I’ve never heard them give bad advice, and they also now have a platform where they interview and engage with a lot of great researchers, influencers, and experts who talk about relationships of all kinds. You can check out their YouTube channel for some soundbites of their expertise, but also check out their books. Pertinent to this newsletter is Dr. John Gottman’s 1997 book Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child.

Announcements

I should title this section “Teasers and Promises” instead of “Announcements.” This week, I’ll tease that we have some exciting changes in the works that will hopefully enable a lot more people to connect with Synchrony, even outside of just our matchmaking services. The Lord has blessed us with some incredible mentorship and support in this season of change, for which we’re deeply grateful. We’re rolling up our sleeves and are hoping to roll out some great opportunities, so please stay tuned. Could I be any more vague? Probably not.

Pipeline Profile

By the numbers:

• Available men: 45

• Available women: 193

• Matches in progress: 10 (20 people total)

If you’ve been following these updates from week to week, you may have seen the number of men creep up slowly. Our first Love Note, published in May, listed only 19 available men. Ladies, this increase has been exciting! However, it’s also a bit of a shame, in that the number of available men should be much lower, the number of available women should be lower by an equal number, and the number of matches in progress should be much, much higher as a result of this windfall of eligible gentlemen. 

I’m working on ways to make the matching and date communication process easier. It’s very time-consuming to do the actual matching (I’m insistent that while AI could get us a lot of the way there, our process still requires human review of all potential matches to look for edge cases). It’s more time consuming to send out ‘prospect’ emails, field questions, create meeting polls, schedule dates, write and edit bios, and prepare for the introductions. This needs to operate at scale, and that’s a work in progress. Thank you to the handful of in-progress matches who have patiently allowed me to inch their date scheduling along at the speed of an arthritic snail. 

_________________________________________________________________________

Hey Single Friend, 

Welcome to Love Notes! I’m so excited that you’re here. If you’re new: Love Notes are weekly updates from Megan, designed to give you a boost of encouragement and keep you looped in on all of the happenings at The Synchrony Project. These are always written straight from my heart, never with AI.