Unattractive

What’s on Megan’s Mind?

Most of us aren’t that attractive. 

I don’t mean that we’re not attractive at all. I just mean that we’re not THAT attractive. We’re not attractive enough that someone would cross a crowded room to talk to us. Most of us are the kind of attractive where, if someone hung around us long enough, they’d start to notice things about our hair or voice or movements that they found pleasing and interesting to look at. We have a collection of attractive qualities–both tangible and intangible–that someone who got to know us could form a fondness for. And that is good enough…or at least, it should be. After all, our relative level of conventional attractiveness is just one small fragment of who we are as individuals, and can’t be used to define us.

Why, then, does our whole dating mythology revolve around the expectation that someone should find us instantly attractive, and vice versa? We want to be magnetically pulled to the object of our interest, immediately convinced that theirs is a face we could look at forever. This is deeply silly of us, and it’s keeping many of us lonely.

I’m going to make the slightly controversial statement that focusing on attraction-first dating is a sign of insecurity. I believe that if I asked most singles whether “physical attraction is the MOST important factor in who you should choose to marry,” most would say no. But the data tells me that most people are excluding dating prospects from their list of potential partners based solely on looks all the time. If the attraction is not instant, the match is not secure. If I’m not deeply attracted to the body of the person I’m with, how will we develop romantic love? How will I be content with them for a lifetime? How can I reassure myself that I won’t fall in love with someone else, who I feel more attraction to? How can I know that my sex life will be fulfilling? We need to be honest with ourselves about that last one.

If physical attraction were the key to longevity in relationships, nobody in Hollywood would ever get divorced. You and I have all met couples who aren’t made up of conventionally attractive people, but whose love and dedication to each other are apparent in everything they do. We know that we shouldn’t be placing so much emphasis on attraction, but it still determines who we seek out and who we write off. The obsession with instantaneous attraction comes from a fear of ourselves. I think some of us are afraid that if we tried to date someone who wasn’t attractive to us physically, we’d discover ourselves to be as shallow as we feared. We’d have to confront our own hypocrisy, and admit that we do esteem looks over things that are much more important. 

Loving someone for who they are (regardless of the body they’re packaged in) is a choice. I don’t want to pretend that it’s possible to live happily with someone who you find physically repulsive, but there is a massive range of attraction between “not immediately attracted” and “can’t stand the sight of them.” And as you have probably experienced before, one of the biggest drivers of attraction is familiarity. Many of us probably have had crushes who we thought were very attractive, who in hindsight we can see were just passably cute–other people less familiar with them may have never given that person a second glance. We found them attractive not because they looked like a cover model, but because we were around them long enough to notice the things we liked about them. Maybe it was their charisma, how they joked with us, their involvement in church activities, their prowess at a sport, their musical giftings. Whatever the source of the attraction, it went deeper than just how they looked in a thumbnail image. 

I am the less-attractive person in my marriage. This was true before I carried our children and gained weight; it was true during the dating phase of our relationship and it was true before we started dating. I struggle, as a matchmaker, to watch as prospects are turned down by potential matches due to a lack of initial attraction, because I know that those individuals are missing the point. In the earlier days of our marriage (at the peak of my struggles with body insecurity) I remember asking Steven why he chose me instead of someone more conventionally attractive, which he could have done easily. He told me that while he thought I was kind of cute, it took years of us attending church together and interacting in small ways for him to notice the pattern that drew him to me in the end. He liked the way I spoke to him, how comfortable and free-flowing our conversations were, and how free of drama our interactions had been. Being with me made him feel seen and safe in a way he didn’t know he needed; the attraction followed. As our looks have changed over the years (and by the way–no one looks like their wedding pictures, 10 years later) his view of my attractiveness has deepened. He said recently, “Your body is beautiful to me because it’s home. If I could snap my fingers and give you back the body you had on our wedding day, I wouldn't do it. I would be homesick.”  

I (kind of) apologize for taking this opportunity to brag on Steven–he’s honestly the best. My point for everyone here is: don’t cheat yourself of the opportunity to get what you need from your relationship because you’re stuck on the idea that overwhelming attraction is what you need most of all. Eventually, all of our bodies will warp, wrinkle, and slouch beyond any measure of conventional attractiveness. I hope that when we reach that point in the future, each of you has someone who believes that your face and body–whichever version exists then–is home.  

Sincerely, and with love,

Megan

Announcements

For Female Clients Only: I’m not sure how often I’ll do this, but I could use some help with matches for two lovely young gentlemen who live outside of the United States. One is 25 and is a resident of Canada, originally from Southeast Asia. The other is 23 and is a citizen of Jamaica. Neither of these individuals is opposed to a transnational relationship, but neither of them is actively seeking out American citizenship either. Actively subscribed female Synchrony clients under the age of 30 who have completed a Synchrony consultation can email me directly with additional questions. 

Registration: Our matching pipeline will re-open to female clients this coming August! Ladies: you can add your name to the waiting list by visiting https://www.synchronyproject.com/for-her and filling out the form. Please note: there is no seniority to the waiting list; when we re-open for female applicants, everyone will be able to sign up!

Gentlemen: you can get started with matching at any time, for free. Go to https://www.synchronyproject.com/how-it-works to get started.

Pipeline Profile

By the numbers:

• Available women: 149

• Available men: 24

• Matches in progress: 9 (18 people total)

We’re seeing a trend of an increasing number of male clients between the ages of 21-25 enter the pipeline. We’re excited to work with them, but matching is made challenging by the fact that most of our female clients in their 20’s are between the ages of 26-29 and have expressed preference for dating older men. Ladies, if you fall into that age category, now is the time to consider dating younger. Email me if you need to update your preferences!

Hey Single Friend, 

Welcome to Love Notes! I’m so excited that you’re here. If you’re new: Love Notes are weekly updates from Megan, designed to give you a boost of encouragement and keep you looped in on all of the happenings at The Synchrony Project. These are always written straight from my heart, never with AI.