Date Your "Siblings"

What’s on Megan’s Mind?

If there is a single person of the opposite gender in your church who is the right age for you, who is not related to you, and who does not repulse you, please take the next 5 minutes and reconsider whether or not they could be a dating prospect. I’ll wait. 

Back? Great. Let’s unpack this a bit more.

Steven and I had the honor and pleasure of speaking at a Hyphen event recently where we talked to a robust roomful of 20-somethings about dating expectations. There were actually lots of single young adults within the same age range there, and we heard a couple of versions of, “I can’t date him/her…they’re like my sibling.” 

Here’s the thing: they’re not your sibling. What they are is:

1. Already part of the same social group that you are part of

2. Likely already familiar with your family, your way of life, and your community

3. Local to you, meaning that there will be abundant opportunities for you to spend time together

4. Conveniently located in close enough proximity that you can develop appreciation for their appearance and behaviors slowly, over time

I know, I know– you’ve already considered them before. There are parts of their personality that annoy you, or perhaps you find them only somewhat attractive, or perhaps they dated a close friend of yours and you don’t want to stir up negative feelings. Maybe they played a prank on you once that left a bad taste, or maybe you move in completely different church cliques (ahem). Or maybe you’re concerned that dating them is going to create a problem where, if you ever break up, one of you will never be able to darken the door of your home church again. 

I know many of the people reading this are rolling their eyes right now because, in their church, there are truly no viable prospects. I see ya’ll, and you’re not crazy– some of us have never had a person within 10 years of our age who wasn’t a sibling or cousin attend church with us. That experience is very real. 

For the rest of you though, who may have a group of ‘not quite prospects’ available to you, I’m begging you to just triple check that there is absolutely no alignment in your values or priorities before you discard those people. Please. 

My reasoning here is that people spend an inordinate amount of time attempting to meet people and exhausting their resources, only to be discouraged by the challenges of long-distance relationships. I’ve witnessed many matches start off well, with lots of interest and sparks, and then slowly fade to ash because the logistics of interstate travel were just too much to contend with. It’s easy for us to convince ourselves that there is likely something better “out there” (waves vaguely in an anywhere-but-here direction), but in reality the cost of finding someone “out there” is much higher than investing in someone who is right next door. 

Here’s a litmus test you can use to determine if you’re missing out on a valuable opportunity. Ask yourself the following questions, taking a minute to consider each one. It’s important that you ask them in the order that I present them below. If you answer “no,” to any of these, you can stop asking yourself questions and assume that your initial assessment of your local dating landscape was correct to begin with. 

1. Is there someone (unrelated to me) who attends my local church and who is within 10 years of my age (or within whatever dating age range feels comfortable)?

2. Do they demonstrate faithfulness in their walk with God, their tithing, their lifestyle, and their worship, and do I respect their spiritual life?

3. Do I find some attributes of their appearance and personality to be likeable? (Note–I’m not asking if you are attracted to them. I’m asking if you see attributes of their appearance or personality that don’t repulse you, and those things are different)

4. To my knowledge, is their life or history free of mistakes or complexities that would make me feel unsafe (such as past addictions, failed marriages, or other ‘red flags’)?

5. Do they have a strong relationship with church leadership, and are they in submission to spiritual authority?

6. Is this someone whose personality, hobbies, or perspective is interesting to me, in some facet? Am I curious about them as a person?

7. Am I someone that this person is likely to find, safe, interesting and attractive, on some level?

If you have reached the bottom of this list and have not yet responded “no” to one of these questions, then you need to consider spending some time with that person and seeing if potential emerges within that connection. You may be surprised by how they transform in your eyes as you get to know them better. Embrace the awkward. 

One caveat to all of this: do not use this exercise as an excuse to keep yourself in a situationship with someone who has already demonstrated that they are not willing to build something real with you. If they have flirted with you for months and have never made the next step toward a relationship, have a conversation with them about it. I don’t mean “send a flirty, but ambiguous text,” I mean call them or approach them and ask, “Why have you been giving me signals of interest for X amount of time, but seem unwilling to commit to a dating relationship?” If their answer is unsatisfactory, let that connection go, and treat that person as a brother/sister in Christ without ever expecting more. Similarly, if you’ve been soundly and clearly rejected by someone in your church, don’t use this newsletter as ammunition to re-attempt that connection; they gave you their answer already.

If neither of those scenarios applies to you, then I have removed all of your excuses. Go get coffee with them.

Last week, as I took my two children to Sunday school, I had a moment standing in the foyer of our education building where I realized I was technically surrounded by ‘exes.’ There were three other adults in the space, and all of them were men who I had dated when I was a teenager. I’m not proud of having dated as many people as I did at that age (I was certainly chasing attention more than I was chasing real relationship), but I am proud that those individuals are now adults who I consider to be trusted brethren within our congregation. My husband knows all of them and is even a close friend with one. I am close with their wives. We maintain boundaries in our interactions and our conversations, but I get special joy from seeing all of our children interact together and from knowing that all of us have landed in healthy relationships that are bringing life and energy to our shared church congregation. What a blessing, to see the Lord take our messy early attempts at love and from that destruction cultivate beautiful families of His design. 

Church relationships can seem dangerous because of the threat of creating drama within your home church. While that can happen, I can’t oversell the home field advantages of dating someone who is already part of the community that you belong to. There is risk in every dating situation, but the risk of loving and losing someone who you may have to see on a frequent basis is worth the opportunity that may exist to love someone who can create something with you now, and not after a cross-country move. 

Just think about it, ok? Promise? Ok.

Sincerely, and with love,

--Megan

Synchrony Consultation FAQs

In lieu of sending out resources and our usual announcements, I’m going to spend a bit more time clarifying the most recent changes to our pricing model and what that means for new and returning clients. Please read through the FAQ’s below, and forward this email to interested friends or family!

• Can ladies sign up for matchmaking now? Yes, until 8/31–we’re almost halfway through August! Head to this page to register and pay your consultation fee. 

• How much does it cost? Ladies pay a $325, one-time fee that covers matchmaking for as long as they need it, with no additional subscriptions to worry about later. For gentlemen, it’s still $0 to get started with your first match; we’re trying to keep the barriers as low as possible for our guys.

• If I’ve had a consultation before, but haven’t been active recently, do I need to buy another one? Nope, please just email [email protected]; she can help get you set up in my matching tool as ‘available to match.’ Britney doesn’t do any of the matching, but she helps keep me organized and sane, so prayers for her are appreciated.

• I got a notification that my Synchrony subscription was cancelled! Why? We cancelled everyone’s subscription, because we’re not making people pay a subscription to be active anymore! Your matching status has not changed.

• If I purchase a subscription in August, do I have to book a consultation for this month? No, you can book up to 6 months in advance; you just have to purchase in August to get in while the pipeline is open to ladies. 

• Do I have to pay the whole fee at once? No, you can use our Klarna or Afterpay options in the shopping cart to split the payment into four installments. 

• I can’t sign up right now–when will I get another chance? We’re planning to re-open the pipeline to ladies again in the spring, and maybe sneaking in a flash sale or two during the holidays, so stay connected with us on social media.

Pipeline Profile

By the numbers:

• Available women: 157

• Available men: 38

• Matches in progress: 3 (6 people total)

As you can tell from these numbers, we’re seeing new ladies join and re-join the pipeline, as well as some new guys! It’s been delightful to meet all of you. I’ve been slowly trying to get the matching process moving again while we’re doing intake, so thanks to all of you for your patience; I’m finally starting to get some dates on the calendar. Our kids are also heading back to school this week, which means our weekly routine is slowly coming back into focus, which should help tremendously.

Hey Single Friend, 

Welcome to Love Notes! I’m so excited that you’re here. If you’re new: Love Notes are weekly updates from Megan, designed to give you a boost of encouragement and keep you looped in on all of the happenings at The Synchrony Project. These are always written straight from my heart, never with AI.