Stone Age Romance

What’s on Megan’s Mind?

Long post warning: I think if I had to boil down everything I’ve learned about what men and women want from their partners over the past three years, it would best be summarized by two core questions. This is likely a bit of an oversimplification, and I’m usually a bit skeptical of authors and thinkers who try to boil lived experience and things like human desire down to their most diluted categories. That said, I think there’s some value in exploring the needs that may be driving some of what we’re searching for in our partners, if only so that we can understand the other gender better. 

Overwhelmingly, I believe women are asking potential partners to answer the question: “Will you be a champion for me?” If you read that and immediately pictured some version of a Hemsworth brother in a gladiator costume, that’s not what I mean. A champion in this context is just someone who stands between the woman and a source of pain or adversity, to shield her from it or to soften its blow. For some women that means having a partner who defends her independence and celebrates her successes in career, ministry, or other arenas. For others it means having someone who blocks the onslaught of economic and social stressors and gives her space to breathe. Most women I’ve met are motivated by a desire to find security, and in a champion that message comes through as, “This is your fight, but I am with you. You have my support, and I will lend my strengths to your causes when you need it. You are not alone.” I want to be clear that this desire doesn’t mean that all women require a man to be able to bench press twice their weight or complete daring feats of bravery. This type of support can show up in gentle, small ways and be equally powerful. Champions come in all body types and with varied skill sets, and their ability to create a sense of emotional safety in their partners has less to do with how impressive they are in comparison to other men and more to do with how steady they are in the face of stress, change, and opposition. 

For men, the question I’ve heard come through in consultations is “Will you accept me without conditions?” Emotional safety for men seems to center on their ability to feel their partner’s unconditional positive regard, even when they’re at their worst. This doesn’t mean that they want a partner who offers no opinions about their behaviors or doesn’t hold them accountable to be the best versions of themselves, but it is a security that their partner will not sever their connection because she finds him to be lacking something. The ideal partner sees him for who he is and finds value in his strengths and interests. His flaws are apparent to her, but they are not how she defines him. This type of emotional safety signals to him that she is always a safe place to land. It says that in a society where he is always being held to standards that feel impossible to meet, she will put aside the measuring stick and tell him that he is sufficient.

Where do these questions come from? We could spend days arguing about Nature vs. Nurture and all of the messages that we receive throughout our childhood that make us feel the way we do, and there are probably threads of truth to all of those arguments. We can also look at scripture and see this pattern in Ephesians 5:22-28: Paul entreats women to unconditionally respect their husbands and honor them, and enjoins men to love their wives as Christ did, by positioning themselves as sacrificial champions for them. I’m going to take a slightly more narrative approach to illustrating why these patterns might exist; just go with me on this for a moment. 

Let’s envision that we’re living in the Stone Age. Our ancestors, in whichever part of the world they resided, are likely living difficult lives beset by a host of potential threats to their survival. There is brutal competition for resources. Food, water, spouses, children, land, and livestock are all difficult to obtain and difficult to defend. Average life expectancy is around 30 years for people of both genders, although those who make it to adulthood could sometimes live into their 50’s. Life is brief, and hard. This is the crucible that our ancestral bodies and minds developed in, and in which our societies began to understand love and human relationships. 

As a woman in this primeval time, the biggest threat to me is that someone will take advantage of my weaknesses. My body is smaller and less powerful than those of the men I’m surrounded by. My sexuality and fertility are highly sought-after commodities, which means they are something that people could try to swindle me out of, barter for, or steal. For most of my adult life I will be pregnant, nursing an infant, or caring for one or more entirely dependent children. Every time I give birth, I could die. Postpartum illness and infant mortality are rampant. In this challenging space my vulnerabilities are legion, and for much of my life I will not have the strength or social clout to defend myself against potential threats to my safety or that of my offspring. I need a champion who will create a buffer against the threats that surround us, so I can rear my family in comparative peace and give all of us the best chance of a long life. 

As a man in the same time period, the world is a sea of competition. I compete against nature for resources–aquisition of food and physical security in each season is going to consume much of my time and focus. My safety, and that of my family and lineage, depends on my ability to protect what I have accrued from the threat of violence or destruction. I am constantly evaluating how much time remains before a certain crop harvest runs out, how much rain is needed to grow the next one, how defensible my home and community are, how vulnerable my herds and resources are to predators and thieves. I need a place of physical and emotional respite, and I find that in my wife. She does not ask me to compete against other men for her attention and does not create competition between the two of us; she has accepted her role in my life, and at home with her I can finally put down the tools of competition and rest, before re-entering the fray the next morning. 

Regardless of where your ancestors came from, your genetic history likely traces back to hundreds, if not thousands of years of that type of relationship landscape. Before romance became the currency of courtship, safety and security were how we chose our life partners. That is baked into the deepest parts of our brains, and speaks to needs that we’re often not aware of in today’s landscape of modern dating. 

What does any of this mean for you though? I hope it gives you a lens to view the behavior of the other gender and understand their underlying motivations. When women say “I just want someone who will encourage me to step into new areas of ministry,” or “I want someone who helps take on the burden of finances,” the question underneath is a version of “Who will champion for me?” When men say, “I want someone who doesn’t create drama in our relationship, who doesn’t expect me to read her mind, who can tell me what she’s feeling without becoming angry,” they’re asking “Who will accept me without conditions?” If we understand the real needs behind those questions, we can do better at genuinely respecting the desires of our potential partners. It also helps us to see our own desires for what they are, and assess their utility. Is my ‘list’ leading me to a champion? To a safe harbor? Maybe our ancestors can teach us all something about what we need.

Sincerely, and with love,

Megan

Resources

If you’re interested in the biological and anthropological roots of attraction and don’t mind reading some secular science, I recommend Anatomy of Love by Helen Fisher. A big caveat: Dr. Fisher is an evolutionary anthropologist, which means that she seeks to understand human behavior against a backdrop of evolutionary science. Even though I’m sure many of us disagree with some of the tenets of the theory of evolution, I think the data in the book and the perspective is valid. If you separate the text from Darwinism, you can see it as a book about how God’s design for our bodies leads us to engage in various dating behaviors. Read with caution, but if you feel like you can tolerate it spiritually, see if you can absorb the best points and leave the rest.

Announcements

We’re aiming to re-open our pipeline to women on August 1st! Ladies, don’t forget to head to https://www.synchronyproject.com/for-her to add your name to the waitlist so you can get early notification of pricing and get first dibs on consultation appointments. 

Pipeline Profile

By the numbers:

• Available women: 144

• Available men: 27

• Matches in progress: 11 (22 people total)

We finally got our calendars back up and running and hosted four dates this week, with six more dates on the docket for the next two weeks! It's always a joy to get to introduce people to each other, and I'm thrilled to say that some of our clients went on their first dates with us this week. We also still have consultations with new gentlemen rolling in, so stay tuned!

Hey Single Friend, 

Welcome to Love Notes! I’m so excited that you’re here. If you’re new: Love Notes are weekly updates from Megan, designed to give you a boost of encouragement and keep you looped in on all of the happenings at The Synchrony Project. These are always written straight from my heart, never with AI.