Blame

What’s on Megan’s Mind?

If I were the Devil, I’d want you to blame the other gender for your loneliness. 

Women expect too much from their partners. Men are too picky about appearances. Women want someone so spiritual, it’s unattainable. Men want their partners to give up everything to be their surrogate mother. I’m lonely because I’m trying to pick the right kind of partner in a sea of wrong partners. I’m lonely because they won’t step up to the plate.

It’s not that those things aren’t true, in some cases. If any of you have spent any time in online dating spaces, then you probably have a wealth of data points to show just how shortsighted and narrow expectations can be, on both sides. 

If I were the Devil, I wouldn’t waste time trying to convince you of things that were obvious flaws in our culture. I’d spend my time trying to get you to direct your blame in the wrong direction. 

It’s easy for the Devil to accomplish that, because having something to blame feels so much better than aimless loneliness with no root cause. To withhold blame means that we have to acknowledge how messy the truth is–that we are all victims of a culture that didn’t prepare our generations for the challenges of finding a partner amidst rapid societal change. It’s much messier to admit that the list of culprits includes everything from purity culture, shifting gender roles, economic pressures, the explosion of the internet, the subsequent twin addictions of online dating and online pornography, the lack of doctrinal teaching about selecting a partner, disordered eating, the job market, and on and on and on. The worst part is that our parents and pastors and leaders could not have seen this re-writing of spousal selection any more than the early radio preachers could have predicted A.I. deepfakes spreading false doctrine across the internet with a button click. 

There is no single person, or group, or phenomenon to blame for this hardship that has generated so much loneliness. It is an ugly byproduct of modernity and cultural change, much like Black Lung and Cotton Cough accompanied some of the major innovations of human history. This heartbreak is our growing pains, and while it could have perhaps been avoided with some more foresight, it can’t be assigned to any single point of failure. Its root cause is that human achievement is still the product of fallen people, serving the idols of a fallen world. 

The loneliness is hurtful enough, without us pointing our weapons at each other. I know this is easy for me to say, from my vantage as a married woman who got lucky enough to not experience extended singleness. But I remind myself, and anyone else who is married and reading this, that one missed red light or palpitation or electrical failure can end that comfort for me. Then I, or my husband, will be fighting our way out of the loneliness, too. 

If I were the Devil, I’d distract you from the things that could actually help make dating better. There’s a long list of possible improvements, but the biggest one is: radical, Christ-minded compassion for the opposite sex. 

It is hard to be a single woman. It is hard to be a single man. It is hard to remain Apostolic when you are lonely. The difficulties and temptations are slightly different, but they are all terrible. 

When we stop labeling each other as the source of the problem, maybe we can begin to see how the problem can be fixed. When we address the real root causes, the smog may start to clear, and allow us to really see each other. 

Sincerely, and with love,

Megan

Resources

I’d encourage everyone to check out this short article on Proximate vs. Root Causes from Farnam Street Blog. Root cause analysis will help you build healthy relationships, but the blog is also just a great source in general for learning to challenge your ways of thinking and adopt new analytical tools. 

Announcements

For those curious about when we plan to re-open our pipeline for female applicants, our tentative timeline is early August. The reason that it is tentative is because I need to figure out how much time I'll have in the evenings with my current role for my day job (yep, I work an 8-5+) and make sure we'll have enough slots available for all of the ladies who are on the waiting list (over 150!!).

Ladies: you can add your name to the waiting list by visiting https://www.synchronyproject.com/for-her and filling out the form. Please note: there is no seniority to the waiting list; when we re-open for female applicants, everyone will be able to sign up!

Gentlemen: you can get started with matching at any time, for free. Go to https://www.synchronyproject.com/how-it-works to get started.

Pipeline Profile

By the numbers:

• Available women: 151

• Available men: 23

• Matches in progress: 7 (14 people total)

Please note: Megan will be traveling the week of 10/15 and match communications may be a bit slow. Thank you for your patience! 

Hey Single Friend, 

Welcome to Love Notes! I’m so excited that you’re here. If you’re new: Love Notes are weekly updates from Megan, designed to give you a boost of encouragement and keep you looped in on all of the happenings at The Synchrony Project. These are always written straight from my heart, never with AI.